Listening In Paris

So I have been in Paris for almost two weeks now and it has been a very interesting experience. I have had a chance to meet with one of Paris' top business leaders, some government officials and many Parisiennes from shopkeepers to shoppers. The French culture is very different from North American ways - much more socialistic and less entrepreneurial than I am used to. On the other hand, I love their passion for design-wether it be in the architecture of their buildings or the presentation of their cuisine and even in the way the french dress - layers of sorts that are left to be discovered in stages. I also admire their zest to experience life.

More importantly, I have been reflecting on my listening skills while here. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I don't speak French thus I have been more of a listener than a talker. So, here is a bit of what I have reflected upon:

This poem is from last week's blog so if you have not read it, please read it in its entirety beforehand.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you start giving me advice you have not done what I asked.

- I have been guilty of this as I often figure out the answers quickly. But that's beside the point. Wait and absorb and you will hear whats behind the words.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,

You are trampling on my feelings

-Men are often guilty of this when talking to women. I have been in the past and continue to try and limit it. Try to stay away from words like SHOULD and MUST, instead use WHY.

When I ask you to listen to me

And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,

You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

-There are two kinds of men - those that want to fix things and those that need saving.  I fix things - hence I have had to learn to just let people talk.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen,

Not talk or do - just hear me.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,

You contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless.

Maybe discouraged and flattering, but I'm not helpless.

-This is a good management tip.  My role as a leader is to "catch" people when they stumble so that they dont bruise their drive and ambition.  My role is not to do things for others.  This is an effective way for people to develop.

But if you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what

I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to

Convince you and get about the business of understanding

What's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear,

The answers are obvious and I don't need advice

-Sometimes the people who work with you just want to talk things through. Give them the venue and structure to do that. We have weekly meetings where the structure is: talk about two things that are going well and one of the key challenges you are facing in your role. We keep it to under 5 minutes per person. Then we do a round of closing comments. This style draws out issues which I can then circle back with on a one on one basis.  

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

-Very true I believe...I try and ask why people feel a certain way.

Perhaps that's why prayer works sometimes for some people...

Because God is mute, and He or She doesn't give advice or try to fix things.

God just listens and let's you work it out for yourself.

I had a chance to discuss an issue with someone near and dear to me.  We spoke up to the wee hours of the night.  The individual asked me what I wanted to do... I did not say what it was.  I could not because I did not feel the person was ready.  What I really wanted to say was meet me halfway and I promise to change your life in a way that you don't even see at this point in time.  All I was looking for was a sign that the person was willing to take that step in my direction.  It never happened.  As a result, I never spoke up.  Someday, I hope, the person will be ready to hear me.

So please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk,

Wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you....